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There were a million thoughts swirling around in Nezumi’s head as he looked at the silent boy across from him. He could tell just by the way Shion had begun shaking that he had said something wrong, regret immediately filling up his heart as he tried to swallow the lump that was already forming in his throat. However, everything that he had said to Shion was the honest truth. Wasn’t it worth finding out, even if it hurt?
After all of this time, after searching and traveling and coming to the painful realization that there was no stopping this love, and that there was no safe distance away from the boy that had changed his world, he deserved to know the truth about how Shion was feeling. Despite passion igniting in their veins upon his return, Nezumi wanted to hear it straight from Shion’s mouth. He wanted to know that this was the right decision, for both of them.
He couldn’t help but wonder if maybe he had come back too late. Maybe Shion had moved on, and was only appeasing Nezumi by pretending otherwise. He was much too calm and composed, it was so unlike him… but then again, what did Nezumi know? It had been four years, and perhaps during that span of time Shion had changed.. Nezumi certainly had changed a lot as well, but he couldn’t stop his inner voice from screaming ‘My Shion would’ve cried already, I know he would have, and I would’ve made fun of him but we would’ve figured it out. …What if I never really knew him at all? Have I been wrong all of this time..?’
And there it was, that horrible question presenting itself once more, the one that haunted Nezumi for as long as he could remember.
“You just… you just what? You thought you’d just ignore the fact that I’ve been gone for so long? You never stop surprising me, Shion, really. But this…” Nezumi wasn’t sure he could even finish his line of thought. At first, knowing that Shion was crying and yet still trying to appear strong in front of him was unsettling. But now, there was frustration and hurt and anger filling up his words, causing them to break.
Before he could say anything else, or make Shion cry any further, Nezumi stood up and began to head for the door. In a few quick motions, his jacket was zipped up his chest, and his superfiber cloak was wrapped around his neck. He couldn’t do this, he couldn’t handle these emotions, these feelings… he was just going to say something wrong.
It was safer to run… it always had been.
Shion’s eyes shot open the moment Nezumi left the sentence unfinished. His eyes were still veiled with tears, but still, through them, he could see the other’s retreating figure as he turned to walk away. He thought he was feeling the blood freeze in his veins. What…? Where was Nezumi going? “Nezumi…!” The white-haired man stood up, dinner now completely forgotten, as well as the tears slowly drying on his face, as he ran after the other. The moment the raven-haired man’s hand slipped off the scarf that was now wrapped closely around his neck, Shion caught that hand with both of his, staring up into Nezumi’s face.
“Do you want me to ask, then? Well, fine!” He wasn’t even sure what he was feeling right at this moment, but he knew two things; he was both too scared, and too angry, to keep crying. His cheeks were still wet with tear tracks, but his crimson eyes were flashing now. The last time he’d felt so angry at Nezumi was when the other denied the existence of a third way regarding the city Shion had wanted to save. “Where do you think you’re going? Walking out of my life, again? Expecting me to let you do it?! If it’s so self-evident for you that you can just walk away from me, because that’s easier, or safer, or I don’t even know what you could be thinking, then it’s not you who should be questioning my feelings!”
Seeing the expression Nezumi was wearing now, a part of Shion wished he could say it all back, what he’d been telling him. But just as how Nezumi had spoken truthfully, Shion was saying what was on his mind, too, nothing more, nothing less. Wasn’t that what Nezumi had wanted?
“I felt like…” His voice dropped lower a notch again, but still, his gaze held the sky-grey one. “I felt like you leaving me was probably not easy for you to do… and coming back was even harder.” Shion didn’t need confirmation for that; he knew he was right. “Of course I wanted to know what you did in between, I still do! It was four years, after all. But it was a lot more important that you were finally back, and I didn’t want to make you feel unwelcome, or…” Finally, he glanced away for a moment. “I didn’t want to annoy you right at the beginning. You used to hate my questions, didn’t you?”
Taking a deep breath, the white-haired boy looked back up at the man he loved, and finished, his voice softer than ever before. “Yes… maybe I changed some. You probably did, too, I just couldn’t pinpoint yet. Maybe I’ve learnt to take better care of myself. Maybe I could live my life even if you weren’t around. I can’t tell that unless you really do leave… but I really don’t wish to know either. Because the only thing I really do know… is that all the while you were gone, even while I got by… there was this… block of ice, in the middle of my chest, and I only really realized it when I saw you again, that I actually hadn’t been happy since you left.” A pause. “… I hope that answers your question.”
Nezumi felt like rolling his eyes at the soft smile appearing on Shion’s lips, yet he wasn’t able to do anything but stare at him. Why was Shion looking at him like that? Was he still thinking about the compliments he had paid him a few minutes before? Pfft, Nezumi scoffed as he turned away, suddenly a bit embarrassed. Was he really that easy to read, or was this another example of just how scary Shion could be? Perhaps the white haired boy picked up the ability to read minds when his body changed four years ago.
Nevertheless, dinner was being served and Nezumi was starved. It had been a long day for him, wandering around an ever-changing No.6 while Shion was at work. He really needed to figure out what he was going to do here, especially if he was going to stay beside the other man. He didn’t enjoy acting like a leech in Shion’s home, it made him feel weak and lazy… and Nezumi wasn’t having any of it. Perhaps he’d find a bookstore, or a stage, or something, somewhere to fill his time while Shion worked his mornings and days and nights away. It was almost as if he was glimpsing into a life of waiting, a life he had forced upon Shion for four years… and he didn’t like it at all.
A small pang of regret filled up his heart, but before he could spend too much time concentrating on it, the potatoes were arriving on the table, distracting him from his thoughts. Nezumi sat down across from Shion and filled up his plate, and with an elegance all his own, began to eat the dinner they had made together. However, it wasn’t long before those thoughts came back. Suddenly, he was left wondering what Shion had been doing all this time… did he really enjoy the work he was doing, or was it a way of distracting himself from Nezumi’s absence? Did Shion actually miss him? He seemed to be doing rather well taking care of himself… perhaps he didn’t need Nezumi there at all anymore. Maybe, in the four years Nezumi had spent away from Shion, the white haired boy finally learned to rely on only himself. It was a painful thought, one that left the raven haired man gritting his teeth.
He was starting to wonder if he was more of a burden now than anything else. After all, the majority of the days in No. 6 were spent alone, at least in the past week. Was this how it was always going to be?
“Shion,” Nezumi spoke out of nowhere, breaking the comfortable silence between them.
“….Why haven’t you asked me where I’ve been? I thought, with the way you like to question the hell out of everything, that that would’ve been the first thing you asked me.” Nezumi’s eyes then rose, staring straight into Shion’s soul. “But it’s been over a week now. Maybe I was wrong… I mean, I guess I should be proud that you finally took my advice and distanced yourself from the past. But, fuck.. did you really not miss me at all? What’s the deal?”
For once, Shion had been content with the silence that enveloped them while they began to eat. He was hungry, after all, and so had Nezumi claimed to be, and it felt good enough for once to just sit in the other’s company; they didn’t always need to talk. However, soon enough Nezumi broke the silence, and Shion looked up, curiosity shining in his eyes as the other man began, wondering what could be on his mind. Nezumi’s tone sounded solemn, and somehow, it made Shion’s heart jump into his throat, suddenly feeling surprisingly scared of what his lover was about to say.
A moment later, it seemed that his intuition had been right. Shion felt his mouth run completely dry as he listened, eyes widening, even the bite that he had been chewing felt hard all of a sudden, and he could barely manage to swallow it. How can you say something like that? He felt tears stinging the back of his eyes, and he stared down into his plate for a few seconds, unable to even come up with a coherent response.
Shion had long since stopped counting the nights that he had spent awake, laying on his back up in the small bedroom, wind blowing in through the window he had never been able to bring himself to close, counting the days that had come to pass since Nezumi had went on his way, questioning why. All of those nights had been nothing but fruitless, with one answer seemingly emerging only to bring two other questions with it. All Shion had were possibilities, uncertain as ever. Nezumi had had things to figure out, and consciously, Shion had never once doubted his return. But as much as a thinker Shion was, his subconscious wouldn’t ever let him rest. What if he had really left because he needed time away from Shion for some completely different, unbeknownst reason? Something Shion would have never been able to comprehend, no matter how much he thought of it? Something that was maybe — Shion himself?
Throughout those sleepless nights, Shion had once come to the decision of attempting to grow up — for that was probably what Nezumi was doing, too, albeit in a much different way. At that moment, the white-haired boy had decided to become someone Nezumi would be glad to return to. For Nezumi would be returning, he’d promised — that one thing Shion had never doubted —, and he would be returning both to the Shion he remembered, and the one he was now.
And to see now that Nezumi might have thought that was the wrong thing to do…?
Unable to even see his own food as tears flooded his eyes, Shion slowly leaned sideways, away from Nezumi, supporting his face in his palm as he cried, his elbow on the table beside the plate. “H-How can you even t-think of asking me that?” he sobbed.
In the end, all those years spent trying to strengthen himself, in this one regard, Shion had only become weak; he had stopped asking questions for which he thought there might not be an answer. And for him to find that part of his spine again, Nezumi was the one he needed by his side; Nezumi, who had given it to him in the first place, made him question things that nobody else dared question.
“Of course… I m-missed you… I… I just…”
I didn’t know if you’d have an answer for me.
